Conflict is inevitable in any company.
Conflict is not a sign of a problem in a culture.
But how conflict is conducted can kill a culture.
When I went to study with Dr. John Gottman, I was fascinated by his ability to accurately predict divorce with 91% accuracy.
Standing in his kitchen talking to him, I realized that I had seen the same destructive patterns inside companies in 25 years as a serial entrepreneur.
The most destructive pattern in a marriage is ALSO the Grim Reaper of company culture.
What is company culture?
There are 100’s of definitions. My favorite is from restaurateur Danny Meyer:
Culture = the good behaviors you reward minus the bad behavior you tolerate.
You get what you tolerate
I became a CEO at 25. I didn’t know what I was doing.
My company was profitable and growing fast. Quickly I had dozens of people working for me.
I felt like an imposter but tried to fake it until I made it. I was afraid of conflict. I hoped to ignore the bad stuff and cheerlead my way to a good culture.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. My initial approach meant I tolerated too much bad shit.
Eventually, through 360 reviews and enough feedback, I knew I had a problem.
Over time, I’ve learned the hard way that a leader needs to get clear on what you absolutely WILL NOT tolerate.
Because everyone watches what the boss tolerates.
What you choose to tolerate as a leader is a personal choice.
However, I’ve got one behavior to get you started. Contempt needs to be on any leader’s “will not tolerate” list.
Why is contempt important?
Contempt is the most corrosive of Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
It was the most predictive of the 4 patterns that would lead to eventual divorce in a couple (Contempt, Criticism, Stonewalling, Defensiveness).
Gottman called contempt: “Sulfuric Acid for Connection”
What is contempt?
Contempt sounds like criticism…but with a crucial difference.
Contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over the other.
Someone feeling contempt feels SUPERIOR to the other.
Contempt is so corrosive because it is:
- Expressing negativity combined with
- Superiority over the other
That’s sulfuric acid for any team.
How do you recognize contempt?
If contempt is so toxic, then you need to become an expert in recognizing it in yourself and others.
Tip to recognize any feelings: remember that emotions show up as sensations in our bodies.
Studies show emotional sensations have common signatures across cultures.
Where most feel contempt in the body
The below image is a heat map from a study where participants were asked to describe where they felt contempt in their body when they were prompted to feel the emotion.
Contempt often feels like intense heat inside the chest and head area.
Some feel heat and tension in their hands as well.
If you show contempt as a leader in an important conversation, you will model that it is an acceptable reaction to share inside your company. Not good.
If you feel it, do not express contempt in the moment.
Instead:
- exit the conversation
- let your body reset
- pick up the discussion later from a more calm place
OK, now we’ve got a strategy to rein it in within ourselves…
How do you recognize contempt in others?
Gottman’s research showed that the most common behavior associated with contempt was:
THE EYE ROLL
Here’s what contempt can sound like in the workplace:
“You’re overworked? Cry me a river. I’ve been dealing with all the most important strategic priorities. I don’t have time to deal with your issues.”
If you hear or see this activity, it is a great opportunity to pull someone aside and give them feedback.
Most people react in conflict based on childhood modeling. It doesn’t mean someone needs to be fired. But they need to be educated on their impact and be asked to improve.
If they don’t understand the stakes, send them this article.
OK, but what about systematic things we can do to insulate against contempt in building a company?
The Antidote to Contempt: Culture of Appreciation
Fortunately, Dr. Gottman discovered there is an antidote to Contempt.
He identified that a culture of appreciation insulates a relationship, and therefore, a culture and team from contempt.
What a culture of appreciation looks like in action is pretty simple:
- Remind yourself of your team’s positive qualities
- Find and express gratitude regularly to them
Sharing your appreciation for the great things about your team further insulates your company against contempt.
It’s hard to feel contempt for those who regularly appreciate you.
As Dr. Andrew Huberman points out, gratitude’s powerful impact is upon HEARING it from another:
Avoiding the Grim Reaper of Company Culture:
I love studying Inflections in companies and people.
I’m most drawn to what makes a positive inflection in performance.
But it’s just as critical to understand what can create a NEGATIVE inflection.
“All I Want To Know Is Where I'm Going To Die So I'll Never Go There.” -Charlie Munger
Contempt is where company cultures go to die.
Don’t tolerate it.
To recap
- Remember that your Culture is the sum of the rewarded (good) AND tolerated (bad) behaviors.
- Contempt is the most destructive pattern in team dynamics. Don’t tolerate contempt in your behavior or among your team.
- Learn where to feel contempt in yourself and how to spot it in others (eye roll).
- Practice gratitude as an insurance policy. Create a culture of appreciation among your teams to further insulate your company’s culture against contempt.
